I tried hard to create the perfect family portrait for Christmas cards, but hurts and messiness lurked behind those smiles. Later, I discovered other families have scars.

When I wrote curricula for LifeWay, the lesson plans always included a quarter’s worth of topics on the family. The problem? Even families in the Bible were messed up—like ours. But God used those parents’ foibles and flaws for His greater purposes. And he will use us too.

How do we move away from the facade of perfection toward healthy?

Extend Grace

Did God not offer us grace for all our sins when he died on the cross? There will be times when grace needs to bubble to the top. Let’s model Jesus and move from rule-based living to grace-laced living. When overwhelmed with school and activities, my teenagers shirked their chores. I jumped in to pick up the pile of dirty clothes, put away the stacks of clean clothes, and make their beds—all their responsibility.

Offer Forgiveness

Along with grace comes its companion, forgiveness. While in high school, my oldest daughter, Kendall, drove herself and my son, Derek, to high school each day. Whenever they came home, they marched to their rooms, the tension between the two thick. After several weeks of nonverbal hostility, we sat down with them. Derek grumbled that his sister always put her purse by his feet. Kendall fumed that Derek never talked to her. We worked out a compromise, and they asked each other for forgiveness. Reconciliation didn’t always happen this successfully, but it was a start. Let’s not forget to ask forgiveness when we mess up too.

Build Community

We need a community beyond the family. God created us for relationships. Someday our kids will grow up, and we will no longer be their best buddies. When our kids see us in healthy communities, they will also seek loyal and trustworthy friends (Proverbs 17:17). Small life groups provide a safe place to find like-minded friends.

Work and Play Together

Find ways to do things together: worship, service, pray, eat, vacation, and play. Not only do we need to build community with those around us, but within the family structure as well. Unbreakable bonds will fortify your family against the culture’s charms and life’s trials as we work and play together.

Seek Mission Opportunities

There weren’t many family mission opportunities when our kids were growing up, but we sent them on mission trips as teenagers. These opportunities allowed our teenagers to discover their gifts and talents and experience life outside their comfort zone. My kids returned home kinder.

Show Love

It’s our job to speak the Truth to the child about his value and worth. Gary Chapman wrote a book, “The Five Love Languages of Children,” and offers suggestions and applications to determine and nurture your child’s love language. I strongly recommend it.

Disciple

Are you in Bible study and growing in faith? Do your kids see you reading your Bible and applying Truth to your life? Do your kids attend a Sunday school? The church offers the best opportunity for discipleship outside of the family unit.

Communicate

I could have shielded my family from much pain if I’d learned to communicate better. Understanding and accepting emotions were an area of weakness in my parenting. I didn’t grow up sharing my emotions or with my parents validating them. I had to learn how to validate my kids’ feelings but remind them that feelings don’t define them. We will better identify and understand our child’s needs and feelings if we listen carefully.

Which actions are strengths in your family? Which ones are weaknesses?